Shudder
by Fleur de Givre
Summary: "Ayato meets Kaneki, and he is pretty much pissed." Rated M for bad language and injury. (The story takes place after chapter 73, beware the evil spoilers.)
1. Chapter 1

_Just a pointless one-shot (that might not be a one-shot, actually), because it happened to be in my mind and I wanted to write it. Well, that's about it. Takes place after chapters 73/74, you've been warned. Kaneki and Ayato belong to our beloved Sui Ishida._

Shudder.

It's not raining anymore, though he can still feel the tiny, tiny droplets of water taken down the leaves by the frosty wind of this october night. He has found himself a desert area, not wanting to deal with anybody, human or ghoul. He watches his hands, half-covered by fingerless gloves. They are like new ones – it's always this way, it's normal. He is a ghoul, he is used to recover. But... not this time. This time is different. It's like he can still feel the pain, like he has forgotten how to move his fingers properly. So he watches his hands, more precisely his right hand as if witnessing something unusual. Yeah, he can still feel the pain, and that's fucking unbearable, and shameful, and unnerving. His mind remembers, while his body has erased the memory.

Ah, "half-remembered" pain, right? That bastard.

He smells someone nearby, and decides to go seek refuge somewhere else. His footsteps lead him to a car park, which looks more like a wasteland at this time of night. He doesn't know – maybe he was not paying enough attention, or maybe some kind of terror has prevented him to process the information in time – but there's a familiar scent in the air, and he doesn't turn back. He doesn't want to know why he doesn't turn back.

A flash of white hair glimmers in the artifical light, and clear eyes slowly look up to meet his own – dark like pools of blood.

"What the hell?" is all he can say, really. He stands still, wants to run away, wants to punch the fucking face until he is able to stick an entire fist into the skull, wants to fall onto his knees and beg for something, anything – but he can't.

"Yeah, good evening to you too, Ayato."

_I can't believe it, I can't believe it, I can't believe it, this must be a fucking nightmare, please, please, tell me I'm going to wake up, please, don't make me, don't, I can't belie-_

"What are you doing here? Aren't you planning your next big thing with the rest of Aogiri?"

_-ve it, no, that, can't be, please, I want to disappear, please, let me go, let me-_

"Or have you come all this way to get your revenge, maybe?" Kaneki stands up, and Ayato remains still, unable to breathe, to think, to move. Sweat is sticking to his skin, as he watches in dread the white-haired boy walking towards him.

"Hello?" he says, tentatively, a few meters away from Ayato – who is still looking at the spot where Kaneki was in the first place, trembling.

"Don't. Don't you fucking move." Ayato mutters, but can't resolve to face him.

_Go away, go away, go to hell, leave me alone, just fucking leave me alone, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I ate you, I ate you in my dreams, I stuffed myself with your disguting guts, I ate you, and then I threw you up, because you're disgusting, you're, I hate yo-_

"Alright, I won't."

And he doesn't. He just stays there, quiet, and the air Ayato breathes is poisoned by his mere presence, flowing like burning acid inside his lungs, inside his veins. What is he thinking? Is it pity in his eyes? Or regret? Or satisfaction? Or nothing? Ayato can't decide, and he can't look at Kaneki's face – doesn't want to. So, instead, he asks: "What are you thinking?" and that's about all.

"I'm sorry." comes the answer, and Ayato thinks he can't cry – no, he won't cry, he won't permit it, so why are there tears running down his cheeks? He feels nauseous, his nails digging into his palms and teeth gritting. Everything is spinning around him, and there is no way he is strong enough to make it stop. Why is he sorry? How dares he? He's just making it worse, because there shouldn't be place for regret when you act like a monster – if there is, then what does it make you?

"You fucking psycho. You're just a fucking monster, you..." suddenly, he's shouting with all his might. "You knew what I was doing! You knew what I was doing and yet you fucking attacked me like I was the monster! You said I was protecting my sister and you crushed me, while her body was still laying next to me! You had no reason, no fucking reason, you hear me? No. Fucking. Reason. You wanna be a hero? Wanna protect the good and the weak? Wanna fight the evil and the strong? You fucking do what you want! I'm not! I... -"

The rest is swallowed by strangled cries, and he has to spit before he is able to talk again. His eyes are now black, stained with bloody red.

"I just wanna protect her, I... I don't give a shit if you don't like it. This is not your fucking problem, freak. You can't judge me, you can't, you can't."

He is still screaming these words when his kagune is released and throwing deadly darts all around them, filling the air with concrete dust until his vision is totally concealed. When the fog clears up, Kaneki hasn't moved an inch – and it's sadness that Ayato sees in his eyes. Fucker. His biggest desire, right now, is to tear said fucker's throat apart, and then force him to speak, just to hear him gurgle and suffocate in his own blood. But his body betrays him and his knees give in, letting him fall on the ground.

He watches, powerless, as Kaneki gets closer and squats next to him. He reaches out a hand, an Ayato catches it, but only to twist the half-ghoul's wrist until he hears the bones crack and his nails dig in deep enough to draw blood.

"I said: don't you fucking move, you bastard."

"Do you fear me?" is Kaneki's response, and although Ayato doesn't say anything, his look speaks for him.

"I don't... want to hurt you, now."

_Don't make me laugh_ is what the ghoul wants to reply, but the words that leave his contorted mouth are: "You are."

"Disappear." he adds, and Kaneki does.


	2. Chapter 2

_Here it is! Longer than I thought, I got carried way in the middle. But, hey! No angst (almost) and free hugs! Also, Ayato is a sassy mothafucka. Just sayin'. _

Shudder, part two.

Saying he is feeling good might be a little too much, but he is feeling better after all. It took some time, a _lot _of time. Weeks, months. But now, things are more or less back to normal. He doesn't feel pain anymore, nor fear. Strangely enough, it even seems he has changed. Of course, he won't admit it, but there is something new in his state of mind. For now, he is trying to put it aside, because he doesn't think he is ready to accept it. Aogiri might not want to accept it, and that is something he really doesn't need to be dealing with at this point.

He wipes the blood from his face. Ah, you shouldn't be wandering about alone at this time of night. It's a dangerous thing to do, especially in these dangerous days. But that is just how the big wheel of life and death turns. He smiles and stands up, hands in pocket, and is about go back home when he hears the distinct sound of footsteps. A familiar whiff slowly fills the air, making his lips twitch up. Seriously? He waits, quiet, but the sound has stopped.

"Never knew you had a thing for car parks, freak. Can't say I'm surprised, though."

Silence is his only answer, and the hesitation he feels from the other boy gets a tiny giggle out of Ayato's throat. "Oh, c'mon! Dinner is over and I have no room for dessert. Don't be shy." The footsteps resume, and soon, he can make out the shady silhouette and the white hair. The boy stops at a good distance, seemingly perplexed by Ayato's ominous grin.

"You... You certainly look better." is the best greeting Kaneki can think of, right now.

"Human flesh does wonders." the ghoul answers, kissing his fingers in a way that oddly makes Kaneki think of Tsukiyama. He shivers with displeasure when he notices the bloody remains of Ayato's meal and then looks up to see said boy now leaning carelessly against one of the few cars, stealing glances at him.

"So, you often hang out in these kind of places?" Ayato says, and he is not sure if idle chatter is really gonna work with someone who might just lose it and suddenly desire to break a good deal of your bones. He is not sure if he actually _wants _to talk with the bastard either.

"You are here, too." comes the answer, and Ayato gives Kaneki a weird look. What the hell is that supposed to mean? He sticks his finger up, as to make a point.

"Yeah, but I was eating, Eye-patch. You know, you could just say you're a creep, it'd be enough for me."

"No, you don't get it. I came here to see you."

Ayato doesn't understand what the words trigger inside his head but, suddenly, his eyes are black and his kagune fuming, threatening. All his body is tense, ready to attack. "Okay, let's stop now, will ya? I'm not in the mood for more biological show-off. Get lost before I pull your half-ghoul's ass to pieces."

Kaneki's eyes widen, and he takes a prudent step backwards, holding his hands up as a sign of withdrawal. "Alright, calm down! I've said it before: I don't wanna hurt you. I just came to talk."

Ayato doesn't move, but he sure looks scary. "What the fuck makes you think I wanna speak to you, fucking freak? You think I have time to waste with stupid idiots like you?" he snaps at Kaneki, giving the unsuspecting car a furious punch that only result in setting off its alarm. _Okay, he's just a bit difficult to handle, just like his sister_ – thinks the white-haired boy, still slowly backing off. He hears Ayato shouting "Shut the fuck up!" and watches as the car is getting crushed by the unleashed ukaku. _Well, maybe worse than his sister_. He lets out a sigh. He thinks of talking about Touka, just to see if that would make Ayato stop, but he is not sure it's a good idea. The other might get angry to hear her name coming out of his mouth. So, instead, he just waits for the storm to pass.

A few minutes later, and because Kaneki hasn't moved or said anything, Ayato's eyes are back to normal. He gives a scornful look at the car he's just wrecked and then turns his attention towards Kaneki.

"What? The owner's not gonna need it where he is, anyway." he grumbles, folding his arms. Is he... pouting? Well, this is probably the last thing Kaneki expected to see. "What do want to tell me?" Ayato insists. "Not like I give a shit, but since you're not about to bugger off, might as well just get it over with."

Frankly, Kaneki doesn't know. He is certainly not going to talk about the search for Kanou or anything, then, what? Why is he here? Ayato's eyes are on him, dark and angry, and he feels miserable. "I... erm... I dunno." he finally says, scratching the back of his neck with embarrassment. Ayato cracks a smile and closes the gap between him and the other boy. He wraps his arm around Kaneki's neck, circling it in a not-so-friendly kind of way, and, leaning in so their heads are almost touching, he whispers into his ear: "I'm sorry, what did you say?" The soft tone doesn't fool Kaneki, who gulps, uncomfortable. He knows he shouldn't fear the ghoul, he's stronger, he's proved it – he can prove it again. Yet, he can only tremble.

Ayato is not used to that kind of reaction, and finds it really too enjoyable to stop just now. He revels in Kaneki's uneasiness, feels almost powerful, and definitely wants more. He lets his respiration tingle the other boy's earlobe and his fingers gently press his skin. With each and every breath the boy unevenly draws in, Ayato's smile widens. "What is the matter, Kaneki? I never thought you were one to shudder."

"You reek of putridity." he bites back, but Ayato only laughs it off. "And you of weakness, but do I complain?"

He eventually lets go of Kaneki, although reluctantly. The white-haired boy no longer wishes to spend more time with Touka's brother. With a final glance, full of something Ayato isn't sure to understand, he leaves.

"See you around, Eye-patch." he says, grinning in self-satisfaction. There is no way the fun is over.


	3. Chapter 3

_What the hell am I writing? I don't even know anymore. This story just doesn't make sense. First it's angsty, then it's sassy, and now it's totally random abstract shit. Oh, well, nevermind. This pairing never made sense anyway.(Hey, thank you for sticking around though!)  
_

Shudder, part three.

Over the weeks, it has become some kind of a strange habit. A _very _strange habit. Most of the time, it consists in "sitting at a respectable distance of the other, not saying a thing". Neither of them can be defined as particularly loquacious, anyway. Quite often though, Ayato would sigh loudly, as if trying to point out that he is bored, that the other's presence is annoying. Or maybe trying to get a reaction out of Kaneki. The younger doesn't really know why, but he just needs to do it. Less often, he would tease the white-haired boy, probably out of boredom. Kaneki isn't always responding to his many taunts, and that is yet another thing that Ayato hates about him. He could at least be polite and say something, for fuck's sake!

This night, the wind is freezing. They are on the roof floor of their usual car park, in silence. Ayato hasn't spoken a word, obviously lacking the inspiration to do so. Big things are coming up for both of them, and he doesn't really have time to think of a way to irritate Kaneki. So, he just sits there, looking at the city beneath them, at all these lights he wants to turn off. From the corner of his eyes, he sees Kaneki's hair mysteriously glowing in the dark, flitting under the cold gust.

"Oi, why don't take a sit instead of just standing there like a creep?" he eventually mutters, not even bothering to look at the other guy. It's not something pleasant to have someone behind you like that. Especially not an _ennemy_. That's what Kaneki is, right? Nothing else, nevermind all the time they've spent together in this place.

Seconds later, Kaneki is surprisingly sitting next to him and he joins Ayato in the contemplation of the city lights, spreading out at their feet – so far away from them, and their two silhouettes seem so dark. Yes, even with Kaneki's ghostly strands floating and radiating faintly, making it surreal. Ayato inhales deeply. It's almost pleasurable. Almost. His eyelids close by themselves, and he hardly wonders why he is able to let his guard down juste now.

"Aren't you lonely, Ayato-kun?"

The voice, soft and cold, still manages to break the moment's precious and mystical nature. Damn him, why did he have to speak? Ayato feels the anger rushing back in his veins.

"The fuck d'you mean?" he snaps, already missing the previous silence. "Of course I am. Survival of the fittest, ain't it? I don't have time for _others_."

"I guess so." comes the answer, but the wind quickly drifts it away.

For a minute, they are quiet again. It's only a matter of time, though, until Ayato raises his voice once more, between gritted teeth and clearly on edge. "Tch. How would I even get the chance to actually be lonely since you're always here when I try to be."

Kaneki turns to face the younger boy, and there's something strangely mechanical about the way he moves. Ayato still refuses to look at him, his attention better focused on the city below.

"Am I bothering you?" the Eye-patch asks, without a sign of concern in his tone. Ayato is fuming, and he tries very hard not to shout at the other ghoul. Or to punch him.

"You're a fucking nutcase, you know that?"

"Well, you've never said anything." Kaneki states, as an excuse. Why the hell is he even trying to justify himself? With a heavy sigh, Ayato decides to just give up.

"It's better when you shut the fuck up, Eye-patch."

"... Alright."

They are finally able to fall back into that comfortable silence of theirs. It's getting colder, Ayato notices – and a quick glance to his left is all it takes to give away Kaneki's trembling shape. It's always an unsettling sight – light and darkness entwined, forming a thin, shuddering line, like an optical illusion – and soon he finds himself unable to concentrate on anything else. Even Ayato can sense the unspeakable sadness, can hear the disembodied voices of an ancient tragedy's choir singing in the depths of these grey eyes. While he's feeling his usual violence ebb away, his hands oddly start to itch.

Instinctively, he reaches out. He takes Kaneki in his arms, with all the uneasiness this situation necessarily implies, and tries to make it look like he's just using him to warm up a little. As a matter of fact, he has no fucking idea why he is doing this. Seeing Kaneki shudder has made him both angry and sad – and Ayato hates being angry and sad at the same time. Anger he can deal with, sadness he doesn't like. So, he's holding Kaneki too tightly, because he wants the shivers to stop.

But the wind and their untold emotions are stronger, violently shaking the boys. Before the white-haired ghoul can have a chance to talk, Ayato thinks there is something very important he'd like to point out.

"Don't you dare open your damn mouth, asshole, you'll ruin everything."

And that's about as poetic as Ayato gets.


	4. Chapter 4

_Oh hey, seems I wrote an essay about ghouls and sexuality. But, you know what? Everything's just fine. Enjoy what my mind does at this time of night._

_:) *innocent smiley face*_

Shudder, part four.

Kaneki doesn't open his mouth. Ayato, who's starting to be annoyed by his own attitude, is tightening his embrace even more. Suddenly, it's like he's trying to suffocate the half-ghoul. To be honest, he's doing a great job. The white-haired boy struggles a bit, feeling uneasy about the whole thing and reasonably insecure. But Ayato's arms are trapping him, crushing him. What the hell is wrong with him? The younger one experiences a fierce urge to do... something. Anything. His blood is burning black, full of violence and unutterable desire. _Tighter_, his instinct keeps saying in a pressing tone. What he feels is beyond human, yet what results is only beastlike. Kaneki lets out a painful groan and that makes Ayato smile a deranged smile, eyes shining with red and blood lust. How wonderful. He is not hungry, though, he just _wants _to bite. With a burst of consciousness, Kaneki manages to free himself from the embrace, pushing Ayato away. Damn, he's really scary right now. The older recognizes that look: it's the same Rize and Shuu used to give him, sometimes. Which, as far as he remembers, is not exactly what he'd call a good omen. That is far away from the mere concept of it, actually.

"What do you think you're doing?" Kaneki eventually asks, rubbing his aching arms and obviously puzzled.

The ghoul's grin widens and he tilts his eyebrows in a way that makes him look even more insolent and scornful. His eyes are still dreadfully pitch-dark.

"You're way more appetizing when you're being crushed." he says, almost growling. Kaneki can't help but shudder at those words, and, without much more than a laugh as a warning, Ayato throws himself at the perplexed half-ghoul. Kaneki doesn't have enough time to properly react and meets the ground with a terrible thud, Ayato's weight on him making it worse. Pain spreads through his back until it reaches his brain and his eye turns black. But something is strange, he can feel it. For the sake of curiousity, he doesn't move just yet.

The younger ghoul's breathing is erratic, heavy, and tickling the exposed skin of his neck. He's pressing down on him with all his might – and this is definitely _not _what Kaneki has expected. This is not how Ayato fights. This can't be how he preys on people neither. That's when it hits him. While cruel hands are rummaging through his white hair, nails assaulting every inch of his body, Kaneki notices the incongruous blush on the cheeks, the brightness of the eyes, the strangled noises coming out of Ayato's throat as he can't seem to decide _where _to bite first. The half-ghoul doesn't know a lot of things about life, but... he is almost sure not to be mistaken: either Ayato is aroused, for some obscure reason (and Kaneki doesn't think he wants to know said reason even though he _does_ know already), either he has the worst hunting technique ever. _What the... ? _

Ayato's respiration becomes louder and louder, and there's a glint of despair in his eyes. Where the fuck is he supposed to bite? This is too hard. He wants to rip everything up. He wants to feel his fingers and teeth piercing through soft skin, wants to feel warm blood trickling down his face in the most exquisite caress and swallow it. Ayato hisses at the thought. Oh, yes, that would feel just great. But where to start? Kaneki's heartbeat is filling his head, deafening, maddening. He can even sense it under his touch, each and every vein screaming lively is like a blasphemy to his ears.

Eventually, Ayato gives in. Swiftly, he takes hold of Kaneki's hand and watches the merely visible cobalt shades of the veins with an ecstatic smile. He bites into the thin wrist, hard enough to tear apart flesh, ligaments and bones. Hot blood spurts and gushes all over his tongue. Something about that is apparently funny, because Ayato starts to giggle maniacally, eyes almost all red. Pleasure overruns him, and he tilts his head back, letting out a long moan. That sound is so out of context it's just not acceptable. It breaks Kaneki's passivity, and he is finally able to roughly shove the boy away by thrusting his knee into his stomach. Ayato falls off, giving Kaneki a chance to precipitously squirm out of reach and get back to his feet. He can hardly stand up, his head dizzy and heavy with confusion. The younger doesn't budge, though the kick wasn't _that _hard. He's just lying there, spread out on the ground with his eyes half-opened. His chest is rising and falling frantically.

Kaneki has to swallow his anger. Obviously, Ayato has no fucking idea of what he's doing. Or what's happening to him. _But still, ghouls make no difference between carnal desire and... hunger? _He could have laughed at this thought – unfortunately, his own experience proves it's not amusing. Not when you almost die several times because of it. He knows lust is a sin, but that is no reason for it to be deadly. Oh, wait. Nevermind that. The thing is: he'd rather not be the interest of any ghoul. Meal or... whatever.

Twitching a little, he takes a few steps towards Ayato who is still not moving. Under dark blue strands, hazy eyes struggles to meet his own.

"You taste stupidly good, asshole." he says with a sigh, and Kaneki makes a face, disgusted. Despite that, the husky voice still manages to make its way unto his mind and fuck with it – quite cleverly, Ayato is aiming right at his ghoul part. Or maybe he's not, and Kaneki is just having personality issues again.

Without saying a word, Ayato darts out his tongue to lick the blood splattered around his lips, Kaneki's gaze tracking his every movement. This time, he only whimpers when the taste invades his mouth – but it is more than enough to make the half-ghoul's eyes widened in shock and... and... Dear God, this is so tantalising. Strange ideas start to flail wildly in his mind, like birds in a cage. They mostly revolve around blood, skin and flesh, and they make him burn. Ayato is on the ground, vulnerable, throat within easy reach, pulsing, breathing, radiating heat and a desirable, provoking, persistent smell.

For fuck's sake.

Kaneki shakes his head, eyes screwed shut. What the hell is that? Is he a fucking animal? There is no way in hell he's going to let those thoughts get the best of him. He must leave, now. Without a last glance at Ayato, he turns his back and disappear as quickly as possible, his head full of disturbing imagery.


End file.
